Andrew Tate and the Toxic Feminist

Andrew Tate is a terrible role model who is destroying the lives of impressionable young men. Your typical multi-tiered Eva inspired pastor is only marginally better.

I was a husband and dad in my early thirties. Only recently had I been confronted with my heinously sinful life and began to comprehend the cosmic treason that had marked my ways. A couple years at most. I had a way with words, and that led to me being more recognized in the Christian blogging world than my resume would support.

I wasn't a wolf in sheep's clothing. I was a lamb trying on a fleece a few sizes too large for where I was. My blog was the tool I used to wrestle with deeper and deeper truths. I would write out my thoughts and refine them in the comments and through reading the words of others. Yes, there were and continue to be doctrines that I have changed position on, always as I understand better why others believe what they believe.

I still haven't yet outgrown the ability to hear other points of view.

The first pastors conference I was asked to live blog was "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God" in 2005. I was a 2 year old baby Christian, sharing my thoughts live of sermons delivered by John Piper, R.C. Sproul, Jon Bloom, David Powlison and Steve Saint. At the same event there were presentations by Joni Erickson Tada and Carl Ellis, both of whom were given a pass for poor theological positions due to the tough situations they had faced. Even then, that didn't sit well with me. Another time perhaps.

Being elevated by another blogger whose name you would recognize, and having my link on the official Desiring God website increased my exposure. Even as a baby Christian I was seen as a resource of wisdom far too often in various circles, occasionally being cited for my opinion as if I was a seasoned veteran or a seminary trained theologian. In reality, I was Lazarus. I had walked out from the tomb, but still needed someone to help me untangle my grave clothes.

This was made apparent to me when I was asked to live blog a smaller conference in Iowa at the church of an online friend. The talk was from a representative of the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, championing a complimentarian family structure. I was excited to attend, as my wife didn't receive the gospel with gladness as I had. I wanted some insight on how I could gently lead her toward a God honoring role from her abusive lifestyle.

I listened to the talks and shared my notes with my audience, but something wasn't sitting right. I always did try and approach these live blogging roles as a journalist, trying to share the story without inserting myself into it, so I waited until the event was concluded and things were being put away to approach the speaker.

"Hey, I understand your concepts of servant leadership and the idea of ballroom dancing, how my hand on her back only needs a little movement to communicate which way I want her to turn, but how do you dance with a wife who refuses to follow your lead?"

You would think I was asking how to draw a square circle. His look toward me did not convey a sense of empathy or care, rather it was the look you get when you have a coughing fit in an elevator. You just might be contagious! He said something about standing up to her while scanning the room. Seconds later he had moved on to shake someone else's hand.

Months later I opened up to my closest online friend, telling him that I was being abused. He was, and still is, a pastor and not local to me, so at least he wouldn't give me the same look I got from the CBMW speaker each week. His response was to ask if I would die for my wife. Well of course I would. Men are called to lay down their lives! Then he said that a bullet to the head is quickly over. But am I willing to take repeated paper cuts from her for the rest of my life?

I was on my own. People like to talk about toxic masculinity all the time, but for some reason the topic of toxic feminity never gets a mention. The same goes for toxic complimentarianism.

Two years later my wife was at her breaking point. She could see that Christianity was more than a phase that I would grow out of. Also, my seeking after Christ would hinder her definitions of the good life alongside me as her husband. And what were her definitions of the good life? Take Andrew Tate and put a girl's wig on him. That was my wife, just without all of the money. She mistreated me in every aspect except for pimping me out, though she did make the suggestion on more than one occasion.

She ultimately kicked me out of the home, threatening to accuse me of abuse. In actuality I was the battered spouse. Verbal, sexual, emotional, physical, you name it. But as a man, I was afraid to come forward to the authorities. The odds of me being believed were low and the odds of me leaving in handcuffs were high. All takes is for a woman to make an accusation. Local PD might approach it legally or they might just want a more quiet night, and a willing husband finding another place to go is easier than finding a reason to book him.

I had always understood divorce to be the scarlet letter, a half step down from blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. Unpardonable and disqualifying for any future ministry, which had been something I hoped to one day achieve. I needed to save my marriage and I needed to continue to raise my son. No cost was too high! Perhaps she would come around, believe the gospel, turn to Jesus and be saved!

For six weeks I was out of the home, barely seeing my son and only seeing my wife with a counselor that she picked out. That was the stipulation. By now, I did have a few masculine men who recognized the ditch I was in. They told me the threats were unfounded and that I should walk into my home and refuse to leave. This went against the approach I had been told before by several pastors and I felt frozen, so I continued to try the wooing approach to my Jezebel wife.

Yes, Jezebel.

Jezebel was the wife to Ahab, a wicked king of Israel during the time of Elijah. Ahab was wicked and quite a weak man, which worked out great for Jezebel. She craved power through violence, enticement of men and idolatry. Having an ineffective husband worked in her favor. She got what she wanted and her husband didn't even try to slow her down in her pursuits. Kind of like Adam, who was standing right there as the serpent tempted Eve. Eve wanted to be like God. Adam, for whatever reason, failed to intervene but instead joined his wife in treason. It's a pattern as old as time, quite literally.

I did get back into the home, but under my wife's strict rules. My hope was to play the long game, go back to discipling my son and speak the truth in love to my wife. For four years I endured insults, threats and further abuses. They intensified each year until I couldn't continue any longer. I was beginning to lose my grip on my own sanity. I thought I could only be a father to my son if I was in the home, but my last realization was that I was modeling for him that a man should accept mistreatment from the same woman who had vowed before God that she would do the opposite.

The ideals that pastors present for married couples assume that each marriage was entered into by two believers who want to build a home together under similar life goals. No two people will see everything the same way, but two Christians ought to begin such a relationship with the biblical model.

Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Both parties of the marriage covenant to leave their parents and to create a new family nucleus. Before marriage, each belongs to their parents. After marriage, each belongs to each other. Which is why it is traditional for the father to walk his daughter down the aisle and present her to her husband. This also implies that the marriage is not performed under duress or with disapproving parents. It is good for the parents to remain in the lives of the new family, but the parents are no longer the nucleus of their children. The two are now covenanted to one another.

Both parties are to hold fast to each other. The primary support during hard times is to be your spouse. To refuse to share difficulties with each other or to refuse to comfort each other is a violation of your vows. It is to break the covenant. Holding fast also includes the good times. You should celebrate good events that your spouse encounters, whether you personally benefit from it or not. Because the two are now one.

Which brings us to the third aspect of the covenant. Being one flesh does include a sexual component, but it is deeper than a physical trait. 1 Corinthians chapter 7 is a good chapter to meditate on whether your marriage is going well or is struggling. Being one flesh includes the instruction that your body doesn't belong to you but to your spouse. Being married is God's design for people to not have to go through life alone, for God looked at Adam and remarked that it was not good for him to be alone, even though everything that had been created was good. It wasn't very good, though, until God provided a helper for Adam.

Marriage is supposed to make life very good! Not always ideal, not without difficulty, but it is supposed to improve everything from what it would have been on your own. But when someone toxic, such as Andrew Tate, is setting the tone for a generation of young men it is impossible for God's ideal to be widely seen. And when the church is either ill equipped to confront such a negative worldview or unwilling to recognize that the pleated khakis with the sweater vests look has failed to give young men a compelling vision of masculinity, young men look elsewhere for their role models.

I don't pretend to have all of the answers here, but something must change. Maybe I do overreach at church, but I don't care. I tell young couples that we need them to duplicate themselves. My church has a wealth of 20-somethings who are starting their families. And not only in quantity. Many of these couples are high functioning men and women able to lead small groups and add insightful conversations about all sorts of topics. I tell them that they will never regret having a large family, but they will regret stopping at one child.

I know I do. And the only reason I did stop was because both I and my wife were train wrecks in our 20's. I didn't want to duplicate ourselves and I didn't want the financial liabilities should my marriage ultimately collapse.

Young Christian, what you do today matters. Who you date matters. Why you date matters. You have been told that nobody but you can call the shots for you, you don't need any out of touch parent or pastor telling you what you ought to look for in a life partner. That is a lie. I married the first girl who had a positive pregnancy test and I did so for economic reasons. It was God who confronted me and changed me from someone she could manipulate to someone who desired to lead his family with love toward a future.

Andrew Tate has influenced far too many boys who may never graduate to become men. That is a tragedy. The church has a vision of what a man looks like that has been pre-approved by the ladies in the congregation. Not all of the ladies, just the ones whose voices carry the furthest. I'm guessing you know who some of these ladies are.

Both are enemies of the gospel, whether it be witting or not. Both need to be called to repentance. But one can be called by name. The other only by hushed whispers, which feels too much like gossip so they are almost never confronted.